Monthly, an egg is let off from the ovaries. When the egg comes to the fallopian tube the sperms has twenty-four hours to fertilize it. When one sperm has got into the womb it locks up and the other sperms get closed out. From here and a few weeks forward a child begins to develop.

These kinds of things just doesn’t happen, it was not supposed to happen to me anyway. If it hadn’t happened, my life would have been so much easier. I would have been a normal teenager with no big problems, but life doesn’t always work out the way we want to, does it?

It all began in November 2007. I was hanging out with one of my best friends when suddenly he had the idea of visiting a relative. The clock was around nine when we started to walk towards the relative whose name was Patrick’s house. It was cold and frosty outside. We had to walk pretty far and by the time we got there I was an ice cube. We walked up on the drive way and my friend made a weird sound and said that someone else was visiting, probably someone he liked since he made a noise that sounded like a shout of joy. My friend whose name was Mike didn’t knock on the door, he just went inside and I followed. Now I started to get nervous I didn’t work especially well with unfamiliar people since I was really shy. I preferred not to talk and I really wanted to keep it that way, so when I got inside the living room I just said hi, and that was it.

Mike’s relative was a guy around thirty and he had a girlfriend and two kids. My friend and I sat down on the couch joining the rest of the people and so far there was no sign of another visitor.

Somebody was smoking nearby because I could feel the horrible smell from a cigarette, I guessed it came from the kitchen, but I didn’t want to look if I was right. Later on it showed out that I was right, because from the kitchen comes this guy, a blond and blue eyed guy that totally steels all of my attention from the TV. He is wearing a t-shirt with a “bullet for my valentine” logo and a pair of really cool pants. He was like totally hot and I was like totally stuck.

The night went on and I couldn’t take my eyes of this beautiful creature, who was he? He looked like he was around twenty-five and he seemed like the kind of guy that already had a girlfriend. He and his girlfriend probably lived together to, but it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I just looked at him, I would never found a guy like him myself, because guys who looks like that doesn’t grow on trees, his girlfriend must be the luckiest person on earth I thought and looked at the TV again without any thoughts of that he maybe were single.

When the clock was five minutes to twelve it was time to go home. He gave me lift to the bus station were my “mum” waited for me. She looked mad when I got in the car and half way home she asked who it was that drove me to the station? I just answered that it were a friend of mine; even though it wasn’t, I didn’t even know his name.

When I got home I still couldn’t get the guy of my mind, I really wanted a guy like him and I was at least going to ask Mike who he was, that couldn’t hurt anyone either.

So the next day I asked and the answer I got shocked me. The hot guy was Mike’s cousin and his name was Andrew, he was twenty years old and Mike thought he had a girlfriend, but he wasn’t sure. Even though I didn’t ask for it, he gave me Andrews e-mail address and when I asked why he just said that I would have asked for it sooner or later, which I hadn’t, I was too shy to do that. But now I got the e-mail address whether I wanted to or not and I was going to use it.

Everything happened really fast, we started chatting on the internet, then we started to send each other text messages and then we met. Andrew did not have a girlfriend and right now I was a possible candidate of becoming one, but I didn’t hope too much.

The night when we were supposed to see each other alone for the first time I was so nervous I barely could stand on my feet. I was giggling hysterical and when the clock started to get close to eight, I was almost dying. What if he wasn’t so hot as I remembered? What if he was hot only because it was dark in the room when I saw him? What if he was just fooling me?

Eight a clock I went out on the street and started to walk towards his house. He was living a few meters from my best friend Sandra, so she and her weird friend “the fag” followed me there. We passed a few bushes and there he was, standing on his drive way, looking way much hotter than I expected him to look. Oh my god I wasn’t going to make it, I couldn’t meet him tonight I was just going to make a fool of myself, so instead of acting normal I made up a story and said that I had to get home. He looked kind of disappointed when I walked away from there, damn... what was that good for?

Afterwards I understood that I probably made a bigger fool of myself when I left him like that. I sent a message to him asking if we could see each other tomorrow, and the answer came pretty fast, I barely dared to look at it. I pressed the button and the message reviled, he said yes. 

The next day I had decided to act absolutely normal. I didn’t have to be special, I didn’t have to pick clothes for hours, I was just going to be me, what did I have to lose? That’s right, absolutely nothing, except for the possibility of having the dream guy.

The night went fine, I got to meet his family and we watched a really bad movie without a point. But the movie probably sucked because we didn’t look very much at it. When the clock was almost twelve I went home and I was really proud of myself since I had talked almost all night and yes, he even had seemed to like me.

Some weeks passed by. He visited me a few times every week and now I would consider us as a couple. I was “Mr. Dream guy’s” girlfriend.

As a couple you do certain things, things that no one else knows about, a thing that is between two persons. Yes, I’m talking about the wonderful thing called sex. I was really nervous before it happened because I wasn’t the person who had sex with lots of people, probably I never would be either, but back to the point, what if he was going to think that I wasn’t good at it?

The night it happened the first time we were watching a movie as usual and then we started to kiss, a lot. Then it was foreplay, I was not use to that so I didn’t enjoy it especially much. At last the real sexual intercourse was coming up and it went okay. It was fast, but okay. Well, this started some kind of sex life and we had sex almost every time we met. In the heat of those moments there aren’t so much brainpower left... Probably only one percent of the usual, but that didn’t bother us in those moments, it doesn’t bother anyone in those moments because the brain doesn’t work, the stupid brain is on vacation. Sex is nice, it really is, or no, it isn’t. It is warm, sweaty, smeary and just uncomfortable; the only thing about that is nice is that it feels good, for the moment.

With the whole sex part we were irresponsible. We often forget, no wait, this is me being honest, we never used protection. I know, very immature, but I don’t think that we expected what was next in our lives, as I said before, the brain was on vacation and the only ones we had to blame were ourselves for being so extremely stupid.

January the 29^th 2008, today was the D day. Today I was going to come home happy or I was going to come home miserable. I had been acting weird, feeling weird for a really long time and I hadn’t had my menstruation either. So today I was going to the youth reception to take a pregnancy test.

Nine a clock I was waiting at the youth reception. Sandra had come with me to give me support. A lady stepped in the room and said my name. My legs were shaking as I followed her into the examination room. I gave her my pee and she went away with it, putted it in a plastic mug and stopped a pregnancy test in it. All the time she talked, I didn’t hear a word. Then we waited for a while and about one minute later it was done. This was it; soon I was going to know if I was pregnant or if I were not. She came into the room with the test. It had a cross. Oh my god no! I was pregnant… No, no, no.

No words came out of my mouth when I entered the waiting room where Sandra was waiting. I wanted to cry. What was going to happen now? Sandra looked at me and asked what the midwife had said? I just gave her the look and she understood. This was bad, it was really bad, I mean how could this happen to me?

I sent a message to Andrew and he called me up in the matter of seconds. He asked me what was going to happen now, but I had no answer, I didn’t know anything, I was in shock. As soon as I got home from school he came home to me. We talked but we never came to an end on the discussion. He knew what he wanted and I had no idea of what I wanted. How could I be so stupid?

Something was there, inside of me. Something inside of me shared my food with me. Something inside of me was supposed to be our child, a child that we made, a child with half my genes and half his. I had a baby inside of me, a baby I was thinking of killing. Normal people doesn’t kill their babies, why was I even thinking of doing that to my baby. Why would I want to kill something that hadn’t done anything to me? An innocent child with same rights to live as I had. This made me feel really bad. These thoughts were torturing my head all the time. All night and all day, I knew it was inside of me and I knew it wouldn’t go away. I just wanted to be alone!

We tried to solve the problem ourselves. For about four weeks we discussed it, he wanted me to kill our baby, and I didn’t want to kill our baby because it felt wrong, but he said that if I didn’t kill our baby he said that he was going to kill himself, so I booked time for an abortion, because I rather lost someone I hadn’t met yet, even if it was my own child, than a person that I loved and spent almost all my time with.  

February the 19^th 2008, today I was going to kill mine and Andrew’s child. My tears couldn’t stop falling when I was supposed to go to the bus. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to do it, because it would crush me to know that I had killed someone, another person, an innocent child, my innocent child. I sat down on my bed and let the time pass, it wasn’t worth it. I looked at the clock a few minutes later and realized that about that time I was supposed to lie on the operation table, they would probably start to kill my baby and in a few minutes it was going to be too late.

I did not regret that I didn’t go. It was my body, if I wanted to keep this baby, then I was going to keep it. Nothing in the whole world could stop me. Andrew came by later that day. I told him that I had made up my mind; I was going to keep the baby. He didn’t say especially much after that, he only looked miserable and ready to cry any second. It must had hurt him a lot that I had chosen to keep the baby even if he said that he was going to kill himself, he must had thought that I picked the baby before him and that were certainly not what I had done.

The next day I decided to tell my “mum” and that meant that Andrew had to tell his mum to. He said almost all day that he didn’t want to, he said that his mum was going to kill him, but that was his problem, poor him! My telling went fine. She said that she was going to support me and help me with the baby. Andrew’s telling went worse. His mum got so shocked when she found out that she was angry. He called me up and said that they were coming over to my place to talk to me and my “mum”. I got scared. Since I knew what Andrew wanted I expected his mother to want the same thing? So I knew that they were going to sit there, telling me what to do instead of listening at me and understand me.

The car came, they parked and then they knocked the door. I was already sitting at the kitchen table when they came in the house. Andrew sat down beside me and his mum sat down in front of him. She started talking. She said everything I expected her to say, but I didn’t have answers anyway. I didn’t want to have this conversation in the first place so I asked if I could go from the table. Andrew’s mum said no. She kept going, attacking me, Andrew didn’t make a noise. The guy who sat beside me didn’t make a sound, had I really fallen in love with such a wimp. He was sitting there letting his mum break me in two thousand pieces. I couldn’t believe my ears, this people were totally nuts! They were all sitting here around the table telling me to kill my baby, was I the only one with feelings of a human being? Had these people ever seen a baby? I really had to get out of there. I couldn’t stand hearing all this bullshit. It was my life, my body and half my baby; nobody could make me do anything! I asked one more time if I could leave the table and this time I got a yes. Thank you!

Why didn’t anyone understand me? Why was only I the one to blame when there were two people having sex a few months ago? These people were seriously telling me to kill another human being, a baby; it was like planning a murder. Andrew had followed me to my room, so now he tried to comfort me. He did this to me, the conversation before were his fault, why would I let this wimp comfort me? And then the words came. The words I had wanted to hear for so long, at least from him:

-          I will support you no matter what you chose.

Even if it was just a lie I decided to keep the baby, that was what felt most right to me, and that was all that counted right? You can’t kill something that you’re not sure if you want to kill because you get no second chances when you take a life. You can’t regret killing it and take it back again.

Now we just had to wait. Wait and grow into the new roles as parents to our baby, a baby that we had created.

 

© michaela.joahnsson